The end or the beginning... I'm so confused!

Ever thought about what it would be like to re-enter the dating world? Well, if you're married and you just answered "no", you're likely lying because let's be honest... we all know you've looked across the living room at the man you married wondering "where the hell is the man I married?". Filled with mass confusion as you watch him flailing his arms at the TV, asking you for a beer or not recognizing that your toddler has walked past with no pants on and could drop what is known as an environmental hazard on the carpet at any moment you scratch your head while wanting to scream OMG (or if you’re anything like me… an F-bomb or two will seem incredibly appropriate). All of this happening while visions of sugar plum fairies dance in your head (right, they're not sugar plum fairies, they might be sweaty landscape men working on your yard, or the guy in your office building, but it certainly is not the guy that you just attempted to have a conversation with and had the audacity to ask you what the word "preemptive" means). Ok, so not everyone feels like that, and for those of you who don't I give you a virtual high-5. Really, I'm proud of you for being a better person than I... or perhaps you're delusional. Either way, I wish you luck soldier.

I invite you to come along on this journey with me, what journey you may ask? Well, you and I are in the same life raft my friend... and it looks like we're without paddles because I am attempting to answer that very same question as I find myself newly single (which is just a prettier way of saying "divorced") and about to turn 30. Before you ask yourself what the big deal about 30 is… I’ll tell you. I have been blessed (or cursed) with the need and desire to accomplish great things and I tend to feel that when one task is completed… I move on to the next as if I’m following a “to do list” that was created for me before I even knew the curse those damn post-it notes would be in my life. In the last 10 years I have done the following (and don’t let the order get you confused): College, another college, meet guy, graduate college, get pregnant, get engaged, have baby, go to Mexico and bring back a little souvenir… oh yes folks… another baby (right… I didn’t actually bring home a Mexican baby, but in 10 short months I would have my very own Mexican souvenir), get married, have second baby before turning 25. You think I’ve been busy right? Well… that would be true. So at this point, I am educated, have a corporate job, married with two babies and a husband who works out of town, and a newly built house that could fit a small village in it. One would ask… “How the hell did this all happen?” and lucky for you it looks like we’re going to be answering that question together.

About a year later I decide that having two little people in diapers, in the crazy whirlwind I called my life just wasn’t enough for this warrior so I decide to go back to school to get my MBA… Great idea… Simply brilliant. No worries peeps…I survived raising kids, working, getting a graduate degree and all without injuring someone that I love. I did; however, almost drive off the road more than once when I noticed that the gray hairs I was getting seemed to be looking as if I had a mild highlight. Now, 5 and a half years after getting married I find myself divorced, raising two kids, working, being truly grateful for my amazing friends and attempting to re-enter the dating world which I prefer to call a shark infested pond of crazy all while asking myself: What the hell kind of journey am I on, how did I get here and what do I plan to do with my new life?

If you take anything away from this it's that I do not follow life's directions well, I make mountains out of mole hills, I prefer to add an element of chaos to about every aspect of my life, I’m dramatic, high maintenance and when I was in the second grade I wrote a paper titled: If I Could be Anyone in the World…I would be ME!” – That should give an incredibly colorful picture of me and perhaps a little insight into how I got “here”. Sounds fun, right? I'm glad you think so... because if you didn't, I feel as though you'd classify me as certifiably insane.

I think the title of this entry is incredibly imperative to how I'm feeling these days. My divorce was finalized 3 weeks ago and I now find myself conflicted by my feelings of excitement and mild sadness, but again... who am I trying to kid? My range of emotions is far more complex than that which I realized this week at work when I dropped a full, unopened can of pop on the floor at my office and I about burst into tears. Or how about that damn Pandora... seriously, it's like that site can read my mind (and mood) and all of a sudden I'm on the brink of sobbing at my desk because of some sappy love song when I throw off my headphones on my desk in disgust and head for yet another cup of coffee. I do happen to believe that caffeine is the cure all, in the office anyway (only because they frown upon drinking wine or any other form of alcohol in the early morning hours of the day). Every once in a while I need something a little stronger... this seems to help:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OnnDqH6Wj8&ob=av2e. Enjoy! ;)

Alright people, now that I have come out of my frenzy, slump or the hole I wanted to bury myself in I see things more clearly and am ready to embrace my new life. The life I have truly wanted for a few years. It's sad to think that ending my marriage to a good person is what will bring me my ultimate happiness; however, I am the author of the story I call my life... and I make the rules (lucky me). :) I can't guarantee that this process is going to be pretty - actually I can almost guarantee it's going to be ugly, but comical nonetheless.

I am hoping that through this journey I find clarity in my new found freedom, some insight into what I want for myself and how to enrich my life beyond being a professional, a mother and a kick ass friend, but let's be honest... I think we're all a little more interested in the process of navigating the "shark invested pond of crazy"... don't lie. :)

Until next time... xoxo, CVE