I'm Back in the Game

It's been four months of silence, as I find myself staring at the blinking cursor this afternoon and struggling to effectively articulate my experiences during my hiatus. Honestly, I haven't been absent because I was hiding from you, or wanted to keep all of my exciting escapades a secret - it was more so because I needed to somehow find a way to coast through the chaos of settling into my newly single life, the excitement of being a much wiser human being now that I'm 30, and dealing with my first couple relationships after being "back in the game" that were... well, ultimately a bust. Let me be clear... they weren't terrible (well, one was less than ideal... but I'll keep the specifics to myself) and the other was a case of bad timing (or so I think and me feeling like it was just a little too good to be true... not such an awful problem to have).

We are coming up on the 5 month mark of the day the judge gave me the go-ahead to start my new life and it's been a crazy ride, and I've enjoyed every minute of it. Ok, ok... not EVERY minute (honestly, the man chores part of this situation is something that I did not think through, but I have had some great people in my life who would rather not see me fall flat on my face), but most of the process has been great. I think that enough time has passed where I am truly ready to date... for real this time. Before, well... I don't think I was really ready and unfortunately neither was "person A"... what a mess. Ok, lets be clear...by mess I happen to mean the right guy at the wrong time (for both of us). He was all the things I needed in my life at that moment and for that...I'm grateful, but in regards to a long-term relationship he unfortunately would have never measured up... which he knew and had told me on more than one occasion. Sad, but true.

When you're single, or maybe when you're a single female - people will often ask what I am looking for in a man, and then quickly the questions of... "do you want more kids?" "do you plan on getting married again?" "how do you feel about a man that has kids.. and becoming a step mom?" Dear Jesus, I'm more concerned with whether or not I can stomach the idea of hanging out with them a second time... rather than whether or not I will marry them and have their babies. Of course these questions are all very important, and I have asked myself whether or not I want to get married again, would I have another child, how do I feel about being a step parent, should I date someone that doesn't have kids.. because lets be honest... he might want one of his own and that would mean I'd have to house a child in my belly... again. IDK. So many questions, and so many waffling answers. I do have a stronger idea of what I want in a man with regards to my relationship, but the big, heavy stuff I can deal without...for now.

Remember the shark infested pond of crazy I told you about earlier, well... I wasn't kidding. There is some chaos out in the dating world and it's hilarious at the very least. I have been on dates with great people, average people and less than ideal people. Don't get me wrong, none of them made me want to excuse myself to the restroom and bolt for the door, but there have been very few that intrigued me enough to want to spend more time with them. I often wonder if I'm too picky, but being anything less than picky can get you into a sticky situation... spending more time than necessary with someone who isn't a good match (and by good match I mean virtually perfect... I know, I'm dreaming).

After divorce, there should be a class on dating, and how to throw yourself back into the game as if you hadn't missed a beat because in my situation - I haven't dated anyone since I was 21 and I'd like to think I've grown a little bit since then (for those of you who are reading this and are thinking... not on your life sister... just keep that to yourself - I'm trying to feel as though I'm an established 30 year old that has my life together). :) It's interesting though, the game is quite different now that I'm divorced, have kids and am 30 years old with an incredibly daunting day to day schedule. The freedom to go out, meet guys and make plans for dinner dates, watching movies or going out for drinks unfortunately needs to be a lot more calculated this time around, not to mention trying to plan a "get together" with someone who also has kids - that adds an entirely new level of complexity. I often wonder - will I find someone who is willing and able to put up with my lifestyle, will he want to be a part of this chaos that I tend to adore, what if no one wants to sign up for that - will that be ok with me, or at some point will I have to slow down and be more accommodating to allow someone to fit in to my already nearly perfect life? I don't know the answer to those questions, but I'd like to think that there is someone out there that will find my love for chaos - a quality they can't live without. I guess we'll see...

I do believe that there is someone out there that is perfect for me (smart, decisive, loyal, and all the other characteristics I could name, but I realize you don't want to be here all night), but until then... I shall continue to weed out those who are less than perfect or hang onto the ones that have potential.

Until next time... xo

Where'd You Get That Sweatshirt?

So, it's obvious that there has been something in the air, the water or the recent full moon has brought on a whole other kind of crazy. Who here is surprised? I anticipate no one, but lone ranger (or slim shady) if you're out there...please stand up.

If you had the pleasure of reading my previous post regarding my ex-husbands escape from the local mental hospital (ok, so that's not true... however, he has taken on the behavior of a deranged lunatic) you probably feel as though that would have been his one and only breakdown and we could all move on peacefully, right? Wrong!

Although the most recent mental breakdown did not revolve around where I was, why I didn't answer the phone, or whether or not I was dating someone... it was in fact focused on my clothing choice on the way to the gym. Yep, that's right my friendly followers... my NDSU hooded sweatshirt has brought out a new form of crazy (did you have any idea how powerful NDSU apparel was? I had no idea... If I had known I would have gone to school there). The following questions were fired off as if I was in an interrogation room (keep in mind I was in the lobby of daycare): Who's sweatshirt is that? Where did you get it? Why are you wearing that? Once again I stood there as if he was speaking in an entirely different language, eyes glossed over and I was thinking about what I should do while I was at the gym, and what a good person I was for even going there at 5pm on a Friday. He finished off his rant with a cheery..."oh, well I like it". Dear Jesus, is he bi-polar? The noise that is his voice subsided, I looked at him as if he had gone mad and just said a simple..."you're ridiculous" and we moved on. WTH!!??

Are the interrogating, snide comments ever going to stop? Will he ever grow up?

One can only hope…

Does anyone want to put a wager on what the next mental breakdown will be about? The color of my hair, the outside temperature or the fact that I watched Monday Night Football (I mean seriously, why would I do that)? Ugh…

Ciao… xoxo

How Many Divorcee’s Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

(I literally have no idea, but you can bet I’m going to figure it out… and will report back. In the event you don’t hear from me again I’ve been shocked or electrocuted – or something else awful has happened. Just a warning!)

It’s all becoming incredibly apparent how important a husband is in this world… did I really think this whole “divorced” thing through? Well, I asked myself that very question last night when I turned on the kitchen light and was getting psyched up to prepare the kids a gourmet meal for dinner (that’s the only way I can make myself feel better about our dinner routine) and realized that about 5 bulbs were burnt out in the kitchen and I’m quite certain that if I looked throughout the house I would find about a dozen more. One might ask, “Why do you not change the light bulbs when they initially go out?” Yeah, I don’t have an answer for that… it could be a variety of reasons such as: I tell myself that perhaps there is a short of some kind and the bulb will magically begin to work again soon… just giving it a much needed rest, I hadn’t even noticed there was one burnt out or the classic… it seems complicated to deal with that right now and I will begin the “fixing” process once I am in complete darkness. (Which I might add could be any day now after I realized the magnitude of the situation at hand.) I have asked myself, several times, when walking past a burnt out bulb, “How does one go about changing that?” “Do I shut the light switch off first, or do I leave it on, and if I leave it on and that was the wrong choice will I die in the process?” Because I don’t know the answers to those questions I continue on with my life… in a little less light. Let’s be honest… I certainly don’t want THAT to be the end of me!

Ok, so I’ve defined my first issue… that my life will soon be surrounded by complete darkness (except for the light from my iPhone) unless I get a grip on this light bulb epidemic; however, have you been to the store to look at light bulbs? Seems a little unnecessary to have an ENTIRE ROW devoted to light bulbs that are all different shapes, sizes and watts. As I’m sauntering through the house making a tally of burnt out bulbs I realize that they all look different and I want to scream…WTH? This girl just needs a little more light in her life (Aww, that sounds like the lyric to an early 90’s song…cute)!Moral of this story is that it was so much easier when I had a maintenance man, I mean husband, for things like this, but I am determined to be a big girl and figure this out alone (well, perhaps a little help from the world wide web to ensure I don’t die, but mostly by alone).

Here's a visual... of my nearly "dark" situation.

 

This morning while visiting with a friend on the phone, I realize there’s all sorts of other things I should be thinking about… the furnace filter, sump pump hose, and a list of other things. He was asking all sorts of “guy” questions and if this conversation would have been in person he would have quickly realized he had lost me at furnace. He’s a good man and says he’ll do a little “walk through” with me – I tell him I’m fine and have in under control, but I don’t think he can be fooled. JGood thing I have incredible people in my life who would prefer to not see me completely overtaken by household man chores.

I’ve always been incredibly independent – I’m an only child and have preferred to do many things alone, but when you’re forced to think about all sorts of things (i.e. man chores) that have never even been a blip on your radar life can tend to seem a little overwhelming, but certainly not enough to get this soldier down. I am accepting this challenge with open arms and hoping for the best… to survive. As long as the house is still standing, and so am I… I will chalk this adventure up to a complete success. Ahh, the beauty in knowing I really can survive on my own (although that is just a theory right now, but once those light bulbs are all shining bright… I may even start to see things more clearly. One can only hope!)

Until next time you brave warriors…xoxo

Cool Your Jets... Or at least wear the t-shirt

Have you ever been in a new relationship? Well, of course you have (don't worry, I don't assume you've been a hermit and missing out on all the goodness - and by goodness I actually mean insanity, but my optimism is overwhelming right now - that is a relationship). It's been a long time for me - since I have experienced the newness of meeting someone, getting to know them, spending all this "quality time" together and starting to plan weekends, etc. Someone recently asked how things were going in the dating world and I nearly choked on my triple, grande, nonfat, no whip cinnamon dulce latte and stuttered out an exhausted "complicated".


I have been blessed with an incredibly outgoing, charismatic (or so I think) personality so meeting new people and getting to know them has never been a struggle for me; nevertheless there is a laundry list of other things that I tend to be mildly miserable at. I don't plan to throw myself completely under the bus here, but everyone has their own rules/ideas about dating and I swear... I need a general handbook. What I do know is that my standards and expectations are high and it takes effort to keep me interested which is becoming overwhelmingly apparent. A friend of mine, who I actually look at as more of a sister gave some advice not too long ago that I have kept with me (I'm actually thinking it wouldn't be a bad idea to tattoo it all the way up my arm so that its visible at all time because it's THAT good. Right, a post-in note on my desk would be equally impactful - good point). She said, "have fun until it's not fun anymore... and when it's not fun then move on". Well Dear Jesus, that sounds simple enough.

This idea of getting to know someone sounds so simple - whether or not there's a label of "we're dating", "you're not single", "we're not going out to dinner with other people" or not the complexity of actually learning and understanding someone else's quirks, triggers, communication and relationship styles and simply deciding whether or not it matches or compliments you as a person is downright exhausting and can be somewhat of a shit show. It's the truth... for those of you who are, again... seeing sunshine and roses - perhaps you should be setting me up with someone you know or someone in your family because it seems as though "easy" is not the descriptor I would use here. Although I find myself attempting to navigate the "process" I do thoroughly enjoy knowing that the choices I make are mine and that happiness is a beautiful thing that I cherish. Meeting new people, spending time with someone incredible and learning things about myself that I hadn't had the chance to do before are all amazing things that come out of this.

While on a much needed nature walk around the lake in Minneapolis with one of my very best friends all sorts of clarity came flooding over me (things like: WTH are you doing? Why are you over analyzing every thing? What are you searching for a "label" you don't even want? Why have you taken on this form of crazy that you despise?...and a series of others). The weather was beautiful, the company was much needed and my hangover from the celebratory night before was at bay... so all things considered it was perfection. There is something incredibly refreshing about spending time with someone who knows the original you. There's this peacefulness that comes over me when I can talk about what's going on in my life without feeling like I'm being judged or I'm going to get an earful or insight that I don't want, didn't ask for and actually don't need. She just allows me to spill my guts and then attempts to put the pieces back together after I've nearly completely fallen apart, feel exhausted from talking and trying to explain how I got to where I was at that moment...in my head, but then she can so easily make sense of the situation. She asks the right questions, doesn't get worked up, and certainly doesn't force any of her opinions on me. Her first piece of advice... "we need to find that  Cool Your Jets t-shirt w/ Bart Simpson on it... and when you are feeling overwhelmed - just wear that." She's one smart cookie! There's a reason that I only made it one year at college 5 hours away from her.

I did realize recently - ok, so today... that perhaps my need to control everything is probably hurting this process more than helping it; however, figuring out how to let go of that is going to be quite the journey. I'm trying to pretend that I've mellowed out a little bit, but I'm not sure anyone is buying it. I thought I was for a minute, but no... must. try. harder! :) It's amazing... just when I'm stressed, wanting a sign or needing someone or something to point me in the right direction I come across just the insight I need.

 

It's messages like this that remind me why I should be excited about the process, and less focused on attempting to exercise control on issues/situations that are not my own. Everything works it self out and happens for a reason, right? For the love of God... just say yes! :)

Until next time... xoxo



Where Did I Put That Straight Jacket?

Yesterday I found myself wanting to bang my head against a brick wall. Why, you might ask? If you're my friend, you should be asking "Why the hell would you consider such a silly act of violence?" because any normal... sane person wouldn't opt to do that if nothing had sent them wanting to jump off a cliff. I did mention earlier that this journey was going to be a process, right? I distinctly remember at least telling you this could be an ugly state of affairs. Consider yourself warned...

The first attack came from my ex-husband who seems to have a bi-polar personality because in one breadth (or text message for those of you that are technologically present in 2011) he indicates that he knows our marriage was a total bust, he's sorry for being a jackass and for his inability to make me happy - all with maturity, dignity and some sense of poise, and then as if he has had an aneurysm or stroke he loses his mind. He demands to know what I am doing at various hours of the day, why I don't answer the phone, and stalking me on the joint bank account we still have (don't get me started on the bank account, but that shit is going down real quick). As I watched him while he asked me all these ridiculous questions it was as if I was watching a documentary of someone who had escaped from the local mental hospital. The only thing missing was the straight jacket and if I would have had one laying around...I would have slapped in on him, grabbed the camera and a snack while watching the crazy unfold. Pure confusion filled my entire body as I continued to watch him spew out these 20 questions and the only thing that I could get to come out of my mouth, initially, was..."Excuse me?" The fact that he had the audacity to demand an answer to any question aside from - how are you liking the weather today seemed so ridiculous I could barely bring myself to form a cohesive sentence.

Where are the fact sheets that provide insight to the recently divorced regarding the AWOL roller coaster of emotions you will soon find yourself on? Who is in charge of writing that? Anyone? Well, apparently not because I didn't get one, and after my ex's mental breakdown... it's obvious he received no literature either. On any given day I find myself filled with a wide array of emotions: joy, sadness, anger, happiness, etc... but nothing prepares you for personal jabs/digs from the court of public opinion (i.e. people who have something to say, but are oblivious to the fact that you don't give a shit). My favorite type of person throughout this process is the person who thinks that my divorce is somehow about them. News flash, my divorce is about me...

Although my Monday was a rather nightmarish day, it's the simple things that remind me that this life is mine... and I am in charge of making it what I wish (i.e. a sweet text message from a friend in the morning, one of my most dear friends' email that asked if I invested in a "cool your jets" tshirt yet, and a slumber party with one of my best friends). I'm not following any one's rules, insights, guidance or anything else for that matter. After the weekend, and the few disasters that crossed my path in the past few days, my outlook has changed slightly, but nothing that will surprise anyone - I'm still entirely in love with my decision to be where I am today, and if nothing else my mentality last night was... "tomorrow is a new day... and I swear to God if it's any worse that today I will find that brick wall, immediately". ;)

That's all for now... I'm one day closer to 30 and still searching for the clarity that will make that day and the days after meaningful, fulfilling and enriched. Wish me luck... Ciao!

The end or the beginning... I'm so confused!

Ever thought about what it would be like to re-enter the dating world? Well, if you're married and you just answered "no", you're likely lying because let's be honest... we all know you've looked across the living room at the man you married wondering "where the hell is the man I married?". Filled with mass confusion as you watch him flailing his arms at the TV, asking you for a beer or not recognizing that your toddler has walked past with no pants on and could drop what is known as an environmental hazard on the carpet at any moment you scratch your head while wanting to scream OMG (or if you’re anything like me… an F-bomb or two will seem incredibly appropriate). All of this happening while visions of sugar plum fairies dance in your head (right, they're not sugar plum fairies, they might be sweaty landscape men working on your yard, or the guy in your office building, but it certainly is not the guy that you just attempted to have a conversation with and had the audacity to ask you what the word "preemptive" means). Ok, so not everyone feels like that, and for those of you who don't I give you a virtual high-5. Really, I'm proud of you for being a better person than I... or perhaps you're delusional. Either way, I wish you luck soldier.

I invite you to come along on this journey with me, what journey you may ask? Well, you and I are in the same life raft my friend... and it looks like we're without paddles because I am attempting to answer that very same question as I find myself newly single (which is just a prettier way of saying "divorced") and about to turn 30. Before you ask yourself what the big deal about 30 is… I’ll tell you. I have been blessed (or cursed) with the need and desire to accomplish great things and I tend to feel that when one task is completed… I move on to the next as if I’m following a “to do list” that was created for me before I even knew the curse those damn post-it notes would be in my life. In the last 10 years I have done the following (and don’t let the order get you confused): College, another college, meet guy, graduate college, get pregnant, get engaged, have baby, go to Mexico and bring back a little souvenir… oh yes folks… another baby (right… I didn’t actually bring home a Mexican baby, but in 10 short months I would have my very own Mexican souvenir), get married, have second baby before turning 25. You think I’ve been busy right? Well… that would be true. So at this point, I am educated, have a corporate job, married with two babies and a husband who works out of town, and a newly built house that could fit a small village in it. One would ask… “How the hell did this all happen?” and lucky for you it looks like we’re going to be answering that question together.

About a year later I decide that having two little people in diapers, in the crazy whirlwind I called my life just wasn’t enough for this warrior so I decide to go back to school to get my MBA… Great idea… Simply brilliant. No worries peeps…I survived raising kids, working, getting a graduate degree and all without injuring someone that I love. I did; however, almost drive off the road more than once when I noticed that the gray hairs I was getting seemed to be looking as if I had a mild highlight. Now, 5 and a half years after getting married I find myself divorced, raising two kids, working, being truly grateful for my amazing friends and attempting to re-enter the dating world which I prefer to call a shark infested pond of crazy all while asking myself: What the hell kind of journey am I on, how did I get here and what do I plan to do with my new life?

If you take anything away from this it's that I do not follow life's directions well, I make mountains out of mole hills, I prefer to add an element of chaos to about every aspect of my life, I’m dramatic, high maintenance and when I was in the second grade I wrote a paper titled: If I Could be Anyone in the World…I would be ME!” – That should give an incredibly colorful picture of me and perhaps a little insight into how I got “here”. Sounds fun, right? I'm glad you think so... because if you didn't, I feel as though you'd classify me as certifiably insane.

I think the title of this entry is incredibly imperative to how I'm feeling these days. My divorce was finalized 3 weeks ago and I now find myself conflicted by my feelings of excitement and mild sadness, but again... who am I trying to kid? My range of emotions is far more complex than that which I realized this week at work when I dropped a full, unopened can of pop on the floor at my office and I about burst into tears. Or how about that damn Pandora... seriously, it's like that site can read my mind (and mood) and all of a sudden I'm on the brink of sobbing at my desk because of some sappy love song when I throw off my headphones on my desk in disgust and head for yet another cup of coffee. I do happen to believe that caffeine is the cure all, in the office anyway (only because they frown upon drinking wine or any other form of alcohol in the early morning hours of the day). Every once in a while I need something a little stronger... this seems to help:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OnnDqH6Wj8&ob=av2e. Enjoy! ;)

Alright people, now that I have come out of my frenzy, slump or the hole I wanted to bury myself in I see things more clearly and am ready to embrace my new life. The life I have truly wanted for a few years. It's sad to think that ending my marriage to a good person is what will bring me my ultimate happiness; however, I am the author of the story I call my life... and I make the rules (lucky me). :) I can't guarantee that this process is going to be pretty - actually I can almost guarantee it's going to be ugly, but comical nonetheless.

I am hoping that through this journey I find clarity in my new found freedom, some insight into what I want for myself and how to enrich my life beyond being a professional, a mother and a kick ass friend, but let's be honest... I think we're all a little more interested in the process of navigating the "shark invested pond of crazy"... don't lie. :)

Until next time... xoxo, CVE