It's been four months of silence, as I find myself staring at the blinking cursor this afternoon and struggling to effectively articulate my experiences during my hiatus. Honestly, I haven't been absent because I was hiding from you, or wanted to keep all of my exciting escapades a secret - it was more so because I needed to somehow find a way to coast through the chaos of settling into my newly single life, the excitement of being a much wiser human being now that I'm 30, and dealing with my first couple relationships after being "back in the game" that were... well, ultimately a bust. Let me be clear... they weren't terrible (well, one was less than ideal... but I'll keep the specifics to myself) and the other was a case of bad timing (or so I think and me feeling like it was just a little too good to be true... not such an awful problem to have).
We are coming up on the 5 month mark of the day the judge gave me the go-ahead to start my new life and it's been a crazy ride, and I've enjoyed every minute of it. Ok, ok... not EVERY minute (honestly, the man chores part of this situation is something that I did not think through, but I have had some great people in my life who would rather not see me fall flat on my face), but most of the process has been great. I think that enough time has passed where I am truly ready to date... for real this time. Before, well... I don't think I was really ready and unfortunately neither was "person A"... what a mess. Ok, lets be clear...by mess I happen to mean the right guy at the wrong time (for both of us). He was all the things I needed in my life at that moment and for that...I'm grateful, but in regards to a long-term relationship he unfortunately would have never measured up... which he knew and had told me on more than one occasion. Sad, but true.
When you're single, or maybe when you're a single female - people will often ask what I am looking for in a man, and then quickly the questions of... "do you want more kids?" "do you plan on getting married again?" "how do you feel about a man that has kids.. and becoming a step mom?" Dear Jesus, I'm more concerned with whether or not I can stomach the idea of hanging out with them a second time... rather than whether or not I will marry them and have their babies. Of course these questions are all very important, and I have asked myself whether or not I want to get married again, would I have another child, how do I feel about being a step parent, should I date someone that doesn't have kids.. because lets be honest... he might want one of his own and that would mean I'd have to house a child in my belly... again. IDK. So many questions, and so many waffling answers. I do have a stronger idea of what I want in a man with regards to my relationship, but the big, heavy stuff I can deal without...for now.
Remember the shark infested pond of crazy I told you about earlier, well... I wasn't kidding. There is some chaos out in the dating world and it's hilarious at the very least. I have been on dates with great people, average people and less than ideal people. Don't get me wrong, none of them made me want to excuse myself to the restroom and bolt for the door, but there have been very few that intrigued me enough to want to spend more time with them. I often wonder if I'm too picky, but being anything less than picky can get you into a sticky situation... spending more time than necessary with someone who isn't a good match (and by good match I mean virtually perfect... I know, I'm dreaming).
After divorce, there should be a class on dating, and how to throw yourself back into the game as if you hadn't missed a beat because in my situation - I haven't dated anyone since I was 21 and I'd like to think I've grown a little bit since then (for those of you who are reading this and are thinking... not on your life sister... just keep that to yourself - I'm trying to feel as though I'm an established 30 year old that has my life together). :) It's interesting though, the game is quite different now that I'm divorced, have kids and am 30 years old with an incredibly daunting day to day schedule. The freedom to go out, meet guys and make plans for dinner dates, watching movies or going out for drinks unfortunately needs to be a lot more calculated this time around, not to mention trying to plan a "get together" with someone who also has kids - that adds an entirely new level of complexity. I often wonder - will I find someone who is willing and able to put up with my lifestyle, will he want to be a part of this chaos that I tend to adore, what if no one wants to sign up for that - will that be ok with me, or at some point will I have to slow down and be more accommodating to allow someone to fit in to my already nearly perfect life? I don't know the answer to those questions, but I'd like to think that there is someone out there that will find my love for chaos - a quality they can't live without. I guess we'll see...
I do believe that there is someone out there that is perfect for me (smart, decisive, loyal, and all the other characteristics I could name, but I realize you don't want to be here all night), but until then... I shall continue to weed out those who are less than perfect or hang onto the ones that have potential.
Until next time... xo
